I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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