if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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