I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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