if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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