I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
