My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
