My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize