Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
