Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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