i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
