I cannot find my penis.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
