Moan for me like Helen Keller
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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