I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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