you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
