I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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