Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
