apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Randomize
