i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My balls are so social today.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
