This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
