This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Green mimosas i think yes
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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