Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
