They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
