And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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