If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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