Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize