day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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