I wish my penis had an off switch
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
