oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
