i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
