There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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