i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
