I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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