There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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