Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
