if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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