So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
