i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
