Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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