i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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