I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
