I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize