sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
