I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
