There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Still dying that you shit outside
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
