It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
