Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
