Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
