Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
