hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
