I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
