Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
