and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Houston, we have a squirter
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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