we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
