well you can't waste a boner
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
