I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
