If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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