pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
