I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize