I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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