Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
