I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
