Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
