update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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