life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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