Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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