he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
