Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
